From People Pleaser to Pleasing Self
“There’s this Self that I put out to the world, and then there’s me – the REAL me.”
Over the last decade of working in mental health, I’ve heard different renditions of this from clients, co-workers, friends, family, and *cue dramatic drum roll* - me. We all struggle with “people pleasing” on some level. Sh*t, it’s pretty much ingrained in our society to make sure that we are liked by everyone. And I mean everyone. But do I even like everyone? F*ck no. So then why am I expecting everyone to like me?
What am I making it mean about myself if someone doesn’t like me?
I’m unlovable. I’m unworthy. I’m not enough. I’m annoying. I’m a burden. I’m too much.
What does it mean about another person when I don’t like them?
Usually, not a whole lot. And honestly, if they tried even harder, it would probably make me like them even less. It sounds harsh, but I think we can all resonate on some level with that thought. I guess I would have to say that if I don’t actually like a person to the intensity of disliking them, (after some quality self-reflection) I can conclude that’s more of my sh*t and not their sh*t. In fact, in those instances, there’s not a whole lot that person could have done to stop me from disliking them because it really had nothing to do with them in the first place. Aha! Projecting.
So, when someone projects onto us, why is it so devastating? Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for you to that question. That’s something that you’ll have to explore for yourself.
Okay, so now that we’ve touched a bit on how we’re impacted by being disliked while struggling with this “people pleasing” tendency, let’s move this into the dating scene.
When getting to know someone new, and we’ve attributed value to them (we’re interested!) we tend to attempt to put out our best versions of ourselves. Think of this as a subconscious marketing scheme.
We want to be attractive to that person, so maybe I don’t tell them about things that genuinely make me happy for fear that they’ll think I’m weird, odd, or (dare I say it?) unattractive. While I don’t suggest that you go pouring out every little bit of your personal business to a stranger – and NOT because I think there’s anything anyone should feel ashamed about - F*ck that - That is sacred information about you. That is sacred knowledge and access that only someone who is deserving may have bestowed upon them– I do suggest using people as practice.
Yes, I said it. Practice.
Practice setting boundaries. Practice saying that comment made you uncomfortable. Practice disagreeing with someone’s point of view because it doesn’t align with your own. Practice saying you need someone to be upfront about what they’re looking and holding firm in what it is that you’re genuinely looking for. Practice sharing your needs in a relationship and if they’re unable to meet those needs that you have your own back and walk away.
The right people will be there to adjust and/or collaborate with you. The others will move out of your way so that you can get closer to those who are for you.
And practicing doesn’t stop when you get into a relationship. Oh no, no, no.
That is prime time to continue practicing because now you are in fear of losing someone, abandonment, or rejection. It’s f*cking uncomfortable – all growth is on some level. AND, your job in this life is to never abandon yourself. Trying to be someone we aren’t and continuing to have to play a role that we don’t necessarily jive with is one of the ways that we cause ourselves to feel like different people with others and alone.
You have worked way too hard to find yourself to abandon yourself ever again.
Practice will never make “perfect” in this situation, but it’s bound to lead you to a more beautiful and fulfilling life.
Until next time,
xo Grace